My younger sister (F25) is working towards getting her master's degree in New York. While she loves the city and school, she hates how expensive everything has become. She does work part time, but it simply isn't enough. My parents (M77) and (F73) have been sending her money each month, but since they recently retired, they've had to cut back. To fill the gap, my brother (M28) and I (M32) have begun sending some money to our sister from time to time to help with her rent.
I have a well-paying job and a close relationship with my sister, so I'm happy to help where I can. However, my GF (F30) has expressed her dissatisfaction with the arrangement. We've been saving up to buy put a down payment on a house in the future, and my GF believes that my financial contributions to my sister is hindering our progress. Yesterday (which happened to be the day I usually send my sister money), GF told me that we needed to reduce expenses, and one suggestion she made was for me to no longer send money to my sister. She believes that my sister needs to learn how to manage her money better and that my brother (M28) should contribute more. I told her about how I feel a responsibility towards my sister and how my brother doesn't make as much as I do, and while she did acknowledge that, she then said I was "financially naïve" and said she “doesn't want me to be taken advantage of.” I was kinda disappointed hearing this, as I made the conscientious decision to help my sister and wasn't falling for some sort of scam.
The conversation ended because we both had to go to work, but she told me not to send anything until we've further discussed this. During my lunch break at work, I proceeded to send my sister some money and told GF about this over dinner. She told me that she was “disappointed.” At this point, I was getting a little annoyed and responded by saying I was not willing to comprise my current arrangement with my sister. GF got upset with this and left the table. AITA?
EDIT 1: I make about $15.5K/month and have been putting away $4-6K each month towards a future house. GF makes about $7K/month; currently saves around $1K/month for the house. She said she'll contribute more once her student loans are payed off.
I pay for rent and utilities; GF pays for bulk of groceries.
I started sending my sister $1,500/month since my parents retired.
EDIT 2: Sis pays $2,800/month in rent and $350/month in transportation. I contribute $1,500/month; brother pays $750/month; parents pay $500/month. Our mother was terrified of sis living in NYC on her own and only agreed if she lived in a nicer area and had a car.
EDIT 3: Update - My GF and I had a long talk after work; it didn't go well. To summarize, tensions escalated during the conversation. I told her that I plan to continue helping my sister until she completes her degree, and afterward, she would either start working or move back to our parents' home until she finds a job.
However, my GF expressed her belief that my sister (and whole family) is manipulating me and thinks I'm naive enough to send her money regardless of how she uses it. I started to feel increasingly annoyed and defensive by her accusations and asserted that it's my money, and I have the right to spend it as I see fit. I then (stupidly) said that if she really wanted us to buy a house, she should save more and cut back on expenses like nice shoes, clothes, and purses. At this point, she became properly angry and declared that she couldn't stay in the same house as me, and said that she would be going to her friend's house. Before leaving, she said, "Call me when you stop thinking like a f***ing idiot." Before I could even think, I replied, "I won't be calling."
I feel that I may have irreparably damaged our relationship.
EDIT 4: Update - I want to express my thanks to all of you for sharing your perspectives and insights. Your input is truly appreciated. Following the fight with GF, I reached out to my brother to confide in him about what happened. His take was pretty optimistic. However, he advised me to stand firm in my position while also remaining open to fully hearing out my girlfriend and considering the possibility of reconciliation. He cautioned against contacting GF's friend to ask about her whereabouts (as it may smell of desperation), and instead said that he would come over (as he lives about an hour away) so we could spend some time together over a movie and dinner. At this point, I feel drained and numb. It's been a long day, and tbh I just want it over.
EDIT 5: Update - My brother came by and bought dinner. We've been watching The Dark Knight (don't know why he chose that) since. Still haven't heard from GF or her friend. For those wondering, I'm a chemical engineer and GF has been paying about $2.5K/month to pay of[f] her student loans.
Before I begin, I would like to thank everyone for responding to my original post. Your support and insights mean a great deal to me. I also want to provide some additional context about my relationship with my girlfriend (GF). We started dating in January of last year, officially becoming a couple by the end of March, and she moved in with me in May. In hindsight, I must admit that the pace of our relationship was driven by my infatuation rather than the development of a deep connection. Her fun-loving nature and beauty had an influence on me, causing me to overlook the misalignment of our values.
Regarding GF's relationship with my family and friends, she seemed to get along well with everyone, although I feel that she never like[d] my brother. My mother made significant efforts to make GF feel welcome, likely due to her desire for grandchildren.
On the other hand, my relationship with GF's friends and parents was different. I couldn't help but feel that they saw GF as being out of my league for some reason, and some of her friends even told me how lucky I should consider myself to have GF in my life.There were also other warning signs that I chose to ignore, and I want to share them now:
GF wanted to impose restrictions on how often I could visit my family throughout the year.
Less than a month after moving in with me, GF leased a BMW, contradicting her previous statements about wanting to pay off her student loans quickly. At the time, I found it strange but didn't raise any objections, thinking that GF deserved to treat herself after years of schooling. Over the following months, she continued splurging on expensive clothes, shoes, purses, coats, and more. Looking back, I doubt she was completely honest about how she was managing her student loan payments.
GF regularly urged me to distance myself from some of my friends, citing reasons like them being bad influences or me spending too much time with them. When I mentioned that her friends didn't seem to think highly of me, she shrugged it off, claiming they only wanted what was best for her.
Fast forward to today. As most people recommended, I kept my word and didn't call GF. Instead, early this morning, around 5 am, she texted me, suggesting that we meet at a local cafe to discuss our future. I replied with a simple “sure.”
The atmosphere felt tense, but we did exchange brief curt greetings before we dove straight into the conversation. She began by expressing her hurt over my failure to call her, repeatedly emphasizing that I needed to be reasonable and prioritize our relationship above all else (I noticed her consistent use of "you" instead of "us" or "we"). When I pointed this out, she claimed that her initiating this meeting was proof of her commitment and that if I were truly committed, I would have called her the moment she left. At that moment, I chose to remain silent, and I believe she interpreted my silence as her "winning" the argument.
She then shifted the conversation to finances, bluntly stating that our best course of action was to ensure neither of us carried any debt. According to her, the only way to achieve this was with me to start paying some of her loans. I insisted that this shouldn't interfere with my agreement to support my sister (if I did agree to pay her loans), but GF asserted that it would "impede our progress as a couple." I argued that supporting my family and progressing in our relationship should not be mutually exclusive. In response, GF declared that if we were both serious, I needed to make her center focus.
She then added that even if she did agree to allow me to continue supporting my sister, "it would't end there, as these things never do." With this, she then began inquiring about my parents, pointing out their "advanced" age and suggesting that they would soon require regular support. Without hesitation, I firmly reiterated my stance, that if my parents ever needed any form of assistance, I wouldn't hesitate to offer it. She followed up by asking, "Even if they wanted to live with you?" to which I replied, "Yes." She pressed further, asking, "Even if I said they can't?" Once again, I responded, "Yes." At that moment, GF stood up, saying that she was "disappointed to see what kind of person I've become" and how she and her friends had always sensed there was something off about me. In response, I stated, "If you believed that, you shouldn't have moved in." She was unable to offer a retort to that.
She then began making remarks about how it was only a matter of time before I would beg her to take me back. I firmly told her that the only thing I would be asking was for her to take belongings and return my keys. She tossed the keys at me, and before making several comments, asserting that she didn't need me, that I had wasted her time, and… how I greatly disappointed her.
I said, “I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm no longer obligated to listen to you complain.” With that she stormed off. About an hour [later], I got a text from one of her friends saying that they were coming (without GF) tomorrow to get her stuff. I'm hoping that once they do, I can put this whole thing behind me
